Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.