Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Got him!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth