Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Just why bro?!
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?