date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me when I hear gossip
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Yep.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor