date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?