date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
You Might Also Like
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
I am having an out of money experience.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this