Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Probably my best painting.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
NASA has no chill
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.