Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*