Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
You wish you had this many chins.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.