Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.