Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Love this guy
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
How dude HOW?!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.