Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
the world’s most popular steaming services
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
