Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second