Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

I only look at Wordle for the articles

When I grow up, I want to be 16

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

aesthetic

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

It was worth a shot 😂