Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog