Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Plumber: I think I found the problem