Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Boom, boom, ching!

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

I am a gravy boat captain