Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.