Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Cow it started Cow it’s going
