Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
You Might Also Like
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
No. YOU-buprofen.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Growing up was a huge mistake
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.