Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

When someone trying to leave me

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO