Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.