Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?