Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
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inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
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[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*