Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast