DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.