date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.