date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
and this one
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Good morning
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If snakes were wide
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?