date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“I FIXED IT!”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.