Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.