Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

i want it utterly assaulted.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

knights of the ikea table

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now