date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears