I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?
me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.
Freaks her husband out though.
Skating is just walking in cursive.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.