My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Erm I’m gonna say no
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.