@cottoncandaddy

date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom

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@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@Gupton68

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@IvankaTrump

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@rachellinfox

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.