Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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Feel. He’s so soft.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.