Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head