date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
