DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
jesus christ confetti not now
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.