Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Forever 21… pounds overweight

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.