Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”