DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
You Might Also Like
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Clients after you give them your rates
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash