ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?
By the age of 30 you should have
1. $100 in your account
2. a knee pain
4. back pain