@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

You Might Also Like

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

@sliver_of

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@PaperWash

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

@VeryLonelyLuke

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

@NurseMurderer

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

@FloridaMan__

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

@adamrensch

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain