@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

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@jon_snow_420

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@JohnLyonTweets

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

@JermHimselfish

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic

@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?