luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
BOSS: why were you late?
ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?