DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁