Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

My favorite female superhero

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now