DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
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It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
We are the people our parents warned us about.
The legends were true
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
