My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.