If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling
Me: what’s that?
Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
GOD: a rat dog
GOD: that whispers to white people
GOD: about the weather