@pinupteacher

*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.

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@soccerskiingmom

If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?

@beefman138

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

@suecorvette

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

@DaHess1

Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.

@rickkondell

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

@DaddyJew

Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling

Me: what’s that?

Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@JediGigi

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

@markydoodoo

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL: