Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Yes 😂
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
we’re dead?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.