Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine