DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
You Might Also Like
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
We decided to have money instead of children.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts