Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.