Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

?¿

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

inside you are two wolves

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.