Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

Name another movie that mislead you?

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.