DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.