DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Cinematography is my passion
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look