DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!