DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
You Might Also Like
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours