date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
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*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
This is my cat’s medicine.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE