date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in