date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.