date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
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girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
How to properly lift a body
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.