Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Not helping

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.