[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP