Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

don’t we all

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

🏠

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Cause of death: Zumba

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.