Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”