[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Never ghost your hitman.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please