Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mountain Goat : )

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.