[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Swedish for common sense.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older