@MongooseMayhem

Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

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@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

@AmericanGent69

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

@brownbear952

Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.