Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.


Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.


Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?


My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.


crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers


me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural


professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who


ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet


[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin


The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.