Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom
Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.