DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m going to need a moment here.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
