DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Twitter fine art
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction