DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
