Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

damn he’s good

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

I gave up going to work for lent.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes