DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?