Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Me irl

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Uh oh 👀

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d