DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.