Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Well, shit

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.